Red-Haired Ash Reads

“You are seen. You are heard. Your life matters. Your death will too.”

Alua Arthur is a death doula and helps provide end of life support to her clients. This book takes us on a journey of her life and career, while teaching us the importance of thinking about your own death and what you want out of your life. 

This was a surprisingly emotional book. I knew going in that this was going to be informative and discuss death, but it was so much more than that. Alua takes us on a journey of her life, while also weaving in the importance of living your life and preparing for your death. I really enjoyed getting to know more about Alua and how it led to her becoming a death dula. It really reinforced some of the lessons she is trying to teach with this book. 

“Dying is the most intimate act we will undertake. It requires us to be intimate with ourselves, our bodies, our lives, and with the present moment—to reveal the parts we believe are difficult to love, the face beneath the mask we wear for the outside world, and the squishy parts that bear wounds and form scars. Everything else is a show.”

This involves a heavy topic and has long discussions about death, suicide, and depression, but it never felt like a depressing book to read. Alua kept this book hopeful and lively with her humor and celebration of life. Also she narrates the audiobook and you can hear the emotions in her voice while she narrates these stories. It really helped capture the feelings she was portraying, especially the grief. 

“I am exasperated that people believe death is the great equalizer. Yes, we all die, but we die of different causes at different rates in different ways. There is nothing equal about death, except that we all do it. Death and dying are culturally constructed processes that reflect social power dynamics—they are unequal. How we die is wrapped up largely in the intersections of our identities.”

Overall, this was a very uplifting look at death and the importance of using our limited time here to our fullest. I highly recommend this book, especially the audiobook. 

TW: death; grief; cancer; miscarriages; animal deaths; racism; bullying; alcohol use; drug use; depression; suicidal thoughts; suicide; 

Impactful quotes: 

“At this very moment, I am the youngest I will ever be again, and also the oldest I’ve ever been. I’m human. I was born. I will age. Not aging means I am dead.”

“Societally, we have internalized some of depression’s lies—that sadness is wrong, that it is bad, that it is not valuable. That it needs to be made “better.” We celebrate wellness and leave no space for sorrow, brokenness, grief, or anything other than “I’m fine” when the truth is that life is complicated, painful, and difficult. Whole humans feel a whole range of emotions, but we applaud only half of them, driving our negatively perceived emotions deep into hiding for fear of judgment. There, they are safe to fester and grow stronger, which in turn drives us to hide them more.”

“When someone dies who has hurt us, it’s hard or confusing to know how to hold both grief and anger, or sorrow and relief. Or to give yourself permission to feel those feelings in different measures. Not everyone is sad when someone dies. Some are relieved. Not every loss is a loss, and grief doesn’t always look like sadness. We need to make room for other responses to death, not just sadness and despair, to honor the lushness of the human experience.”

“My motto to support the grieving or the dying is simple: show up and shut up. After acknowledging that the situation sucks and you don’t know what to say, let them lead the way. If they are silent, be silent with them. If they want to talk about something benign, follow them there. And if they want to talk about their pain, let them talk about their pain—not your experience, unless you are asked for it. Just be in the trenches with them and give the incredible gift of bearing witness.”

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